Today I Release All Versions Of Myself I Created To Survive
While this quote may sound quite heavy for a blog on a Styling website, it struck a chord with me and so I wanted to muse and share my story. It’s my experience with mental health challenges which makes the work I do so important to me and if I can help a handful of people to take a peek out of the rabbit hole they are hiding in, then that makes it all worthwhile. While some of my pictures might appear glossy, I'm an ordinary human, living a similar life to you. My superpower is knowing what looks good on people and I understand that fine tuning the outer shell can sometimes help with the inner work which takes as long as it takes.
The fact that I have struggled with anxiety most of my life is well-known to those who have read a little about me previously. One day, after a divorce, a few painful relationship breakdowns and multitasking to the max as a single mum, as Dr Tim Cantopher wrote in his book, 'The Curse of the Strong,' the fuse in my body blew.... BANG.... and I was diagnosed with a depressive illness. No matter how hard I tried, it was as if the electricity had been turned off. I struggled to get out of bed in the mornings after a sleepless nights and I withdrew more and more to hide what was happening to me. My shame and embarrassment follow, but it is said that it is often the strong who suffer from this recoverable condition. People who have characteristics such as strength, reliability, diligence, a tendency to focus on the needs of others, say yes to everything, (the list goes on) are those who given an overload of stress for an extended period of time, suddenly crack.
I am very fortune because I had an idea what was going on and sought the support medical support straight away and surrounded myself with people who stood by side and carried no judgement. I wasn’t cast aside as mad or crazy and my beautiful children knew that I would get better soon and even stopped fighting over the Xbox controller for a while. I know that there is no quick fix to a depressive illness. I am getting better at a steady pace thanks to a very clever doctor and know the warning signs, should I become the whirlwind of old and my body is staying slow down… Enough now. A depression illness is not a psychological or an emotional state and it’s not a mental illness. It is a physical illness and like a broken leg with the right medical professional, support and potentially medication, there will be light at the end of the tunnel.
My curse was that I had so many balls in the air, so many masks to wear, to please too many people that I lost sight of what was important to me and who I really was underneath my list of daily essential responsibilities. This is why the phrase ‘I release myself from versions of me that I created to survive’ really resonated with me and why I wanted to write this post. It’s as much for me as it is for you. I work hard with my clients to help them to be true to themselves but somewhere along the line, I forgot to do it for myself. The perfect chameleon and that is not good for anyone, especially me.
Now you might be wondering why I am sharing this with you and how it relates to the Styling work I do. The reason I had my first Colour Analysis almost 15 years ago was because post two babies, I felt like I had lost my identity completely and my anxiety was at its highest level. I didn’t suffer from depression at the time, but my instinct was telling me that I needed to do something for myself outside my family. I found the impact of wearing the right colours incredible powerful and then went on to train as a Colour Analysis expert and then a Personal Stylist. I still don’t love the word ‘Personal Stylist’ but I haven’t found a better one yet. Really, I teach people how to wear clothes which best suit their body shape, personality, and lifestyle with the goal of boosting their self-esteem and confidence.
So, am I saying that if you are suffering from anxiety or depression then come and see me and I will get out my magic wand and you will walk out cured? Sadly not, I wish that for all of us. But what I am saying is that first, you are not alone and just because I am a dab hand with a make-up brush doesn’t mean that I don’t have the same challenges as many others. I am better at my job than I ever was because of my own experience with mental health. We focus on the outer shell, but I connect with my clients with a different level of congruence now. If you feel that paying a little attention to your appearance will help your recovery, then come and see me and it may help. You don’t have to wait until you are shiny until we meet and you are welcome in PJ’S. There is no magic cure and what might work for one person might not work for another.
My second point is simple. When you feel like you are at rock bottom (I have been there) and the duvet seems like your only friend then just getting up and washing your hair and putting on some clean clothes will help a little. Rest and notice the small things which give you some lightness. When you get the gift of reflection, you will see that they have been little stepping stones in your road to recovery. The mood of a human isn’t controlled by events, clothes, or a brand-new car, but by the limbic system. It’s like the body’s thermostat. I believe, however, from my own experience that with small changes to the outside shell, a certain synergy is created which works in perfect tandem with medical treatment and rest.
People come and see me because they want help with their appearance, and very rarely do we talk about any mental health challenges they may be having. I am the dress lady not the doctor, but when they do set foot through my doors they are often on the road to recovery. Recovery isn’t a smooth path upwards though and often they leave with all the excitement of a kid a Christmas only to get home and on my follow up call they are embarrassed to tell me that they have had a set back and nothing has changed. I want all my clients to know that this is something I understand very well. Sometimes it’s one step forward, two steps back. So, I just say, not to push yourself and ease yourself towards change and recovery at a pace you can manage and learn to make choices which serve you well. And learn to say, ‘no’ when necessary.
My business was one of the things which helped me get better all those years ago and when I see something covered in sequin’s, my heart skips a beat, so I know that I am still doing okay. Helping people on their journey gives me my purpose, whether they suffer from mental health challenges or not. The work I do is not about fast fashion or the latest trends it’s about helping real people in their everyday lives feel better about themselves every day.
A good friend asked me why I wanted to write about my own challenges publicly as I am not writing this piece to encourage more people to come and get their ‘Colours done’. My answer was simple. I want my clients to know that mental health does not discriminate, it can happen to anyone who continues to put 18 amps through a 13 amp fuse. To continue to stay well, I have had to make changes and choices to look after myself. As soon as a can feel the amber light coming on, I revaluate how much I am taking on and ask myself these three questions.
1) What is it all for?
2) What do I want?
3) Where is the balance in my life?
When I can’t answer these questions then I know its time for a rest and a reset. I know that life won’t always be perfect, and ordeals will enviably come my way, but I have given myself permission to feel the feels and not to always but on a brave face. That made me unwell. In the words of Dr Cantopher ‘In the storm, the stout oak falls, but the bendy reed survives. Be bendy.’